Friday, November 11, 2011

i can throw a tantrum if i want to!

Dr. Puccioni's office called to reschedule the surgery.  I was pretty anxious when I heard the word "reschedule", but it is now set for Thursday, December 8 - just one day sooner.

I have to admit I'm not sure how I feel about the whole situation. We have been down this road before, and I'm not sure if it is an advantage or disadvantage.  I dread the fact that my baby girl will undergo a major surgery.  I dread the fact that I will hand my baby girl over to a surgical team and be forced to give up all control.  It's natural for parents to be protective even in simple situations, and I know this is humanly impossible. Again, I am begging for the peace that passes understanding.  Aaron and I will pace the lobby waiting for a staff member to give us updates.  We will try to make small talk.  We will suppress our anxiety to stay strong for each other.  Or take turns breaking down.
I dread spending that horrible first night in PICU.  I am praying that God will give the staff the resources to make Adeline more comfortable.  I will not allow a repeat of the last experience.  We will watch and wait as her face swells and turns purple from bruising.  Her eyes will swell shut.  I dread hearing her cry but not know what she wants.

But also know that she will get through this.  She will be even more perfect after it is over.  We can prepare - we will bring something to occupy our time while waiting for surgery.  I am going to buy the obnoxious Rock on Elmo doll that she dances with when we walk through the toy isle of Target, so that she can hear and touch something familiar and fun while she can't see.
She will amaze us with her bravery.  She has been practicing - she is the most courageous and stubborn little girl I have ever met! She went two days at the sitter refusing to drink anything.  We were beginning to think she had a sore throat, but it turned out she simply wanted a straw in her sippy cup.  I don't have that kind of determination. (It turns out that Grandma Hot Dog has special sippy cups with a straw.  She had used them over the weekend and it obviously changed Adeline's life!)
By this time next year her hair will cover her scar.  Strangers will never know. We know that by this time next year we will be looking forward to spending the holidays with our healthy round-headed children. And she will "get over it" way before we will.

There have already been a few times where my 6 minute drive to work has ended in tears. (Darn K-LOVE!) This time around I am allowing myself to get angry, irritated, annoyed, saddened. I am being selfish. I think I'm even going to go put a straw in my Diet Pepsi can.